btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My bed smells like the plague
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
