tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
