oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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