I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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