i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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