I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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