I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
