Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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