I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
