I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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