I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
