Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
