Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
