Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
