I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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