I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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