So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
