Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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