Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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