You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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