highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
