This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
