My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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