Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
