ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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