you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
