don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize