Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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