bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
