I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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