im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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