drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
