Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
