Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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