i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize