Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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