just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
