what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
