This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My penis needs a shock collar
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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