A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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