Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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