Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
