I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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