she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize