I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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