I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
