She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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