your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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