Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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