You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
