I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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