I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
