He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
