it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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