Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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