there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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